No Where to Go

Where do you go to hide from yourself?  Under a bridge?

This is depression and I know that but it does not hurt any less to think of the what ifs.
Crying does not help only makes my eyes swollen and my nose red.  Screaming at the top of my lungs helps a little.  What would make me feel so much better is to knock the sh..t out of someone.  To curse them with every vile word in my vocabulary and then kick their ass down a couple flight of stairs.  That would make me feel better.  Maturity is for the birds because back in the day I would have kicked some ass and to hell with what others thought.  I wish I had the one person I need to lean on now.  Her calmness could help me navigate this forest of brittle broken dreams of happy forever.  I  am amazed at the injustice of being a human being on this planet without the necessary tools to release you from sorrow, or change the path of heartache, depression.  I sound so sad and sorry but today I have to be.  Tomorrow I will pull my stilettos on and do what I need to do but today I need to wallow.

I had a friend who I thought was wonderful but I finally saw her flaws.  When I relocated she was the only person I knew but she never saw the real me who needed a big hug and reassurance.  I think I am more disappointed because she will never be the friend she was and I have lost another friend to the tent of associate.  I am not a Pollyanna but I do believe that most of the people I know are good people.  I want more for me.  I do not want to be famous, I could use more money but that is not what I want or need.  I want and need a  quietness of soul.  I want to be a strong tree in a meadow surrounded by peaceful flowers blooming.  I have run here and there for so long, and I still do at times but, I need a major change.  I will sweep away the dis tractors, distractions, fffvr (fake friends forever)  and those on a divergent path to my peace of mind and spirit.  Goodbye to all of you.  K, you are a condescending, insensitive person who would need a road map and GPS to find  your way to real emotions.  So throw you into a hole somewhere outside my universe.  C, I embrace your goodness and warmth to build my new world upon.  CC, your humor will keep me sane.  And Suzie Q just you being you lifts my spirit.